When my husband decided to enlist in the Australian Defence Force (ADF), I honestly thought we’d be fine. We’d already made it through his years in the police force – surely this would be more of the same, right?
Wrong.
Military life? It’s a whole different world.
If your partner is about to enlist (or has just headed off to training), and you’re sitting there Googling everything from “what to expect when your partner joins the ADF” to “how do I survive solo parenting during recruit school”, this post is for you.
Here’s what I really wish someone had told me in those early days.
1. Training Isn’t Just Hard on Them – it’s Tough on You, Too
While they’re off doing PT, learning how to strip a rifle, and getting grilled by instructors, you’re likely back home doing…well, everything else.
Kids, the house, work, admin, unexpected life stuff, it all falls on you, and that weight can feel really bloody heavy.
What helped me?
Leaning into support early. Every ADF location has a local community, often with coffee catch-ups, DMFS newsletters, or school-based Defence Mentors.
Ask for help.
Say yes to the support.
You don’t have to prove anything by doing it all alone.
2. Prepare for a Rollercoaster of Emotions
Pride. Worry. Frustration. Loneliness.
All of it can (and probably will) show up—sometimes in the space of an hour.
When my husband left for training, I felt proud as hell one minute and like I’d been hit by a bus the next.
Don’t bottle it up.
Talk to other Defence partners. Join a Facebook group. Call your sister. Vent. Cry. Laugh. All of it is valid—and you’re not alone in it.
3. Expect the Unexpected – Literally
Schedules change. Leave dates get cancelled. Flights get delayed.
Welcome to military life.
Flexibility isn’t just a mindset, it’s a survival tool.
The more you can roll with the unpredictability, the easier it gets (or at least, the less it shocks you each time).
And here’s the wild thing.. over time, you will become someone who can pivot with confidence. You’ll master Plan B, C, and D like a boss.
4. Community is Everything
I didn’t realise how isolated I felt until I met other Defence partners who just got it.
They knew the acronyms. The frustration. The quiet nights and the solo holidays.
And they didn’t try to fix it. They just sat in it with me. That kind of connection? It changes everything.
Look up your local DMFS newsletter. Head to a coffee morning. Join a private Facebook group. You don’t have to become best friends with everyone, but find a few solid people who speak the same language.
You’ll never regret having a village.
5. Your Partner Will Change – and So Will You
Training changes people.
The job changes people.
Life in uniform can bring growth, perspective, and sometimes…distance.
And then.. You’re changing too.
You’re becoming more independent. More capable. You’re growing into someone who juggles a million things and still shows up.
The secret? Talk about it.
Keep growing together, even if that growth looks a little different on each side.
6. Get Real About Your Finances
Military life has a LOT of financial layers, allowances, pay grades, relocations, rent, unexpected costs…
Here’s what I wish someone had told me – work out if your household can comfortably live on $65k pre-tax.
Even if your actual income is higher, that number gives you a buffer for one-income periods, reduced hours during relocations, or unexpected expenses (school fees, uniforms, car changes, utility connections).of advice is to get seriously realistic with your budget, and work out how your family can live on around $65k (before tax).
The ADF Pay and Conditions Manual will provide you with the most up to date pay scales and benefits.
And if you’re not sure where to start, ask. There are so many Facebook groups and Defence financial advisors out there who can walk you through it.
7. Self-Care Isn’t Optional
You are not a machine. You are a human who needs rest, nourishment, connection, joy, and probably a coffee you didn’t reheat six times.
Self-care doesn’t need to be grand or expensive.
It might be:
- A solo walk
- Watching trash TV guilt-free
- A fresh notebook and a new pen
- Calling a friend just to laugh about how tired you both are
When you look after you, you’re better able to show up for your family, and for yourself.
When your partner enlists, it marks the start of a new chapter—not just for them, but for you, too.
It’s a wild ride. Some days you’ll feel on top of the world. Other days will test you in ways you didn’t expect. But with support, realistic expectations, and your own identity kept intact—you can make this work.
And you don’t have to figure it out alone.
