Defence life is often painted as noble, full of resilience and unwavering support. And while those things can be true, the reality is far more complicated. Beyond the [often American based] homecoming videos and pride of service, there’s another side – one that’s often lonely, exhausting, and emotionally draining.

This isn’t about complaining, it’s about honesty. Defence life can be rewarding, but it also asks a lot of you.

And sometimes, no amount of “you knew what you signed up for” (seriously, bite me.) prepares you for just how isolating it can feel.


The Loneliness No One Talks About

1. The Absences Are Harder Than You Expect

Deployments, training, courses – whatever the reason, Defence life comes with long stretches of time apart. And no matter how independent you are, carrying the mental and emotional load alone takes its toll.

Spouses become default solo parents, household managers, and emotional anchors, all while trying to maintain some sense of normalcy.

2. The Constant Moving Means Constant Goodbyes

New houses, new towns, new routines. Every few years (or sometimes more often), Defence families pack up and start over. That means saying goodbye to friends, jobs, schools, and everything familiar like medical teams, hairdressers and good cafes. The emotional whiplash of settling in just to uproot again never gets easier, and sometimes, it feels like you’re always the new person.

3. The Isolation of Service Life Itself

Defence work is intense, often confidential, and sometimes traumatic. Many members don’t (or can’t) talk about what they’ve experienced, leaving families to fill in the gaps. And when you can’t fully understand what your partner is going through, that divide can feel massive.

4. The Social Circles Can Feel Small – Or Nonexistent

Yes, the Defence community can be supportive, but it’s not a perfect fit for everyone. Not every Defence partner finds their “people” right away, and sometimes, the pressure to instantly bond with others just because you share a lifestyle feels forced. If you don’t click with the local Defence crowd, it can feel even more isolating.


How to Make It Work (Even When It Feels Impossible)

1. Find Your Kind of Support

Not every Defence partner thrives in base events or partner groups. Support doesn’t have to come from a military-specific space. Look for friendships, hobbies, or online communities that align with you, not just your partner’s job.

A great example is that in Ipswich there are Womens Friendship Groups on Facebook that meet up for coffee, craft and book club. It’s fun, and you meet people from all walks of life.

2. Get Comfortable with Temporary Friendships

Some friendships will be deep and lasting, while others will serve a purpose for a season. That’s not a bad thing. It’s okay to have “posting friends” who help you through a move, even if you drift apart later. Every friendship doesn’t have to last forever to be meaningful.

3. Use What’s Available (Even If You Think You Don’t Need It)

Military support services exist for a reason – whether it’s mental health resources, financial aid, or relocation support. Don’t wait until you’re burnt out to use them. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak…

4. Make the Most of What You Can Control

You can’t control when the next move happens or how long your partner will be away, but you can build stability in other areas. Creating small routines, having personal goals, or even just making a new house feel like home can give you a sense of control in a life that often feels anything but.

5. Prioritise Your Own Life, Too

Defence life can consume everything if you let it. But your goals, interests, and happiness matter just as much as your partner’s career. Whether it’s a job, study, fitness, or just something that’s yours – don’t put yourself on hold indefinitely.

I hate thinking about the ‘what if’s’, but it’s a reality we need to consider.

Where do you fit outside Defence Life?


The Honest Truth? It’s Hard, But It Can Also Be Worth It

Defence life isn’t all bad, but it’s also not all inspiring sacrifice and unwavering strength.

It’s lonely, exhausting, and sometimes frustratingly out of your control. But it can also be filled with deep friendships, unexpected adventures, and moments of pride that make it all worthwhile.

The key? Recognising that it’s okay to feel all of it – the pride, the exhaustion, the loneliness, and the joy. You’re allowed to struggle. You’re allowed to not love every second. And you’re allowed to make this life work in a way that actually supports you, too.