Defence life is unpredictable. It’s built on change – new locations, new routines, time apart, and a lot of adjusting on the fly. When you add a chronic illness into the mix, it becomes a whole different challenge.

I live with rheumatoid arthritis (RA) – an autoimmune condition that doesn’t care about posting cycles, deployment schedules, or whether I have the energy to solo parent while my husband is away. Some days, I can manage. Other days, the fatigue and pain hit like a freight train, and I have no choice but to slow down. But Defence life? It doesn’t slow down just because I need it to.

This isn’t about complaining – it’s about the reality of juggling both worlds. Because while I wouldn’t change my husband’s career or my support for him, I do have to navigate this lifestyle in a way that makes room for my health, too.


How Defence Life Complicates Living with a Chronic Illness

1. The Unpredictability of It All

Chronic illness thrives on routine – regular rest, steady medical care, manageable stress levels. Defence life, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. Plans change at a moment’s notice. I can go from having my husband home one day to handling everything solo the next. And when RA flares up, unpredictability is the last thing my body needs.

2. Solo Parenting Through Flares

When he’s home, there’s another set of hands. Someone to help with the little things – lifting, cooking, opening jars. But when he’s away, the mental and physical load is all on me. On bad pain days, even the basics feel overwhelming. I’ve had to learn to adapt, ask for help (even when I don’t want to), and be okay with letting things slide.

3. Relocating (and Starting Over with Medical Care – Again and Again)

Every few years, we move. And every time, I have to rebuild my entire healthcare team from scratch. New GP, new specialists, new routines. It’s exhausting. And it’s expensive.

Some locations have great support; others make accessing care feel impossible. Managing a chronic illness is hard enough without constantly having to re-explain my history and fight for the right treatment.

4. The Emotional Toll of Always “Managing”

Living with chronic illness means constantly making calculations – how much energy do I have today? What can I get through before I crash? What happens if I push too hard? And in Defence life, there’s an added layer of pressure. Because when my husband is home, I want to be present. When he’s away, I don’t want to feel like I’m just surviving. The mental load of balancing it all is heavy.


How I Make It Work (Even When It Feels Impossible)

1. Prioritising My Health (Without Guilt)

It’s taken me a long time to accept that rest isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity. If I push too hard, I pay for it, and that doesn’t help anyone. Saying no, cancelling plans, or choosing the easier option doesn’t make me weak – it makes me aware of what my body needs.

2. Building a Support System (That Goes Beyond My Husband)

I’ve learned that relying solely on my husband for support isn’t realistic – because sometimes, he simply can’t be there. I’ve had to create a wider safety net – friends, professionals, online communities – people who can step in when I need a hand. And I’ve learned to actually ask for help (which is still a work in progress).

3. Preparing for the Hard Days

I’ve had to get strategic – batch cooking meals for flare days, keeping emergency medication on hand, making sure I know where the nearest doctor, or specialist is after each move. Chronic illness doesn’t care about Defence schedules, so I have to stay one step ahead when I can.

4. Letting Go of the “All or Nothing” Mentality

Some days, I can do it all. Other days, I have to let things go. The washing might sit in the basket, the kids might get more screen time than usual, and my to-do list might not get done. And I’ve had to accept that’s okay. I’ve stopped chasing the idea that I have to “keep up” with people who don’t have the same challenges. My pace is my pace.

5. Finding the Good in the Hard Stuff

Defence life brings challenges, but it’s also shown me how strong I can be. It’s forced me to be adaptable, resourceful, and okay with not having all the answers. It’s also given me moments of incredible support – friends who’ve stepped in without being asked, people who get it, and a deep appreciation for the quiet, good days when everything just works.


The Reality? It’s Hard, But Still, I Rise

Living with a chronic illness as a Defence spouse is tough. There are days when it feels like too much. But there are also days when I realise just how capable I am – how much I’ve adapted, how much I’ve learned to advocate for myself, and how I’ve created a life that works for me, not just around my husband’s career.

This is only part of the reason I’m so passionate about self-care, and us partners taking good care of us in amongst all’the’things that life throws our way.

Defence life may not slow down for me, but I’ve learned to move at my pace within it. And that’s enough.