There’s something that doesn’t get said enough out loud:
Parenthood can make you forget who you are.
Not in a dramatic “everything is different now” movie montage kind of way.
In the slow, quiet, day-after-day way that creeps in while you’re packing lunchboxes, reheating your tea, and managing everyone else’s needs before you even sit down.
It can be difficult to reconcile the person we were before with the person we are now.
You can love your kids with every cell in your body…
…and still miss the version of you that existed before they arrived.
Before motherhood, many of us had careers that lit us up.
Hobbies that grounded us.
Friendships that felt easy and fun.
Spontaneity. Autonomy. Sleep. (Remember sleep?)
And then?
It all shifts. Sometimes overnight.
You become someone new, without being told who she is or how to find her.
It’s important for us to recognise and acknowledge this loss of identity.
I want to say this clearly:
Feeling lost doesn’t make you a bad mum.
It makes you human.
And if you’re parenting through Defence life – posted away from your support network, navigating solo stints, carrying the invisible load while your partner serves – you’re carrying even more.
We don’t talk enough about the identity grief that can come with this lifestyle.
Or how hard it can be to answer simple questions like: What do I enjoy? What do I need? What would I even do if I had a spare hour?
Let’s name what’s real:
- It’s hard to remember your passions when you’re breaking up sibling arguments in the back of a DHA rental.
- It’s hard to prioritise self-care when your kid hasn’t slept through in 8 years (mine still doesn’t most nights – I see you).
- It’s hard to “find yourself” when the only quiet time you get is hiding in the bathroom with your phone and a cold coffee.
But your identity isn’t gone.
It’s just buried under duty. Routine. Responsibility.
And it’s still worth protecting.
So how do we start to feel like ourselves again?
There’s no formula. No five-step hack, but here are a few things that help me, and might help you too.
1. Let yourself grieve the version of you that changed
You’re allowed to miss her.
To feel sad about what’s been paused, sacrificed, or rerouted.
That doesn’t mean you’re not grateful. It just means you’re honest.
2. Carve out micro-moments of care
Not bubble baths and face masks unless you genuinely want those.
I mean 10 minutes of something yours:
a book, a slow stretch, a journal page, a decent coffee in silence.
Self-care doesn’t have to be big. It just has to be for you.
3. Be around people who remind you who you are (not just who you care for)
Other mums. Defence spouses. Friends who knew you before.
Online or in person.. it doesn’t matter.
But being seen outside your role is powerful. It’s grounding.
It says: I see you. Not just the parent. The person.
4. Say it out loud
“I feel lost.”
“I don’t know what I enjoy anymore.”
“I miss who I was.”
“I need help.”
None of those sentences make you weak. They make you real.
And they open the door to reconnecting with what makes you feel whole.
Parenthood reshapes you.
Defence life challenges you.
Both, together, can crack you wide open.
But somewhere inside it all, you’re still in there.
You’re still a creative, curious, funny, brilliant, passionate, loving human.
You’re still allowed to want more than just getting through the day.
You’re still allowed to dream. To rediscover. To rebuild.
You haven’t lost yourself.
You’ve just gone deep.
And you’re allowed to come back to a version of you that meets you where you’ve been and who you truly are.
