How I Built My Support System as a Defence Spouse
When my husband first enlisted in the Australian Defence Force (ADF), I wasn’t fully prepared for just how isolating military life could feel. Moving to new places, leaving behind friends and family, and facing long stretches of time where he’d be away on deployments or training – it was tough. At times, I felt like I was doing it all on my own, juggling work, kids, and everything in between.
But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from this chapter, it’s that you don’t have to do it alone. Finding and building a support system made all the difference for me, and I can’t stress enough how much having a community around you can transform your experience as a defence spouse.
I am very fortunate in the fact that as a self employed human, I have to push myself out of my comfort zone to meet people, and honestly – to get out of the house for more than just doing the school run!
Here’s why community matters so much and how I went about finding mine.
1. The reality of isolation….
I’ll be honest – there were days when I felt completely disconnected. I would feel disengaged, and living with depression and anxiety disorder, things could get rocky easily. A new posting meant uprooting our lives (again), moving to a new town where we didn’t know anyone (again), and starting all over again. And during those early weeks >> months of a relocation, when my husband was already adjusting to his new role, I felt like I was left behind, alone with the kids, needing to maintain all’o’the things, and trying to figure out our new normal (again).
The hardest part wasn’t even the physical distance – it was the emotional distance. It’s easy to feel like you’re the only one going through this, especially when your friends or family aren’t in the military world and don’t really “get” it. 😕
Truthfully, even though military life can feel isolating, there’s an entire community of people who know exactly what you’re going through.
2. Reaching out, and then..? finding my tribe 🥰
It didn’t happen overnight, but I knew I needed to find other people who understood what it was like to be a defence spouse. I started by joining a local business group, and then a Defence family group. It was waaaay outside my comfort zone at first – an introvert, walking into a room full of people I didn’t know, what could possibly go wrong? – but within minutes, I felt the tension lift. Here were other women who got it. They knew the challenges of constant moves, raising kids while your partner’s away, and the rollercoaster of emotions that come with military life.
From there, I expanded my network by joining a few online communities for defence spouses. Facebook groups became a lifeline, especially during deployments. I could hop on, ask for advice, vent, or even share the small wins of the day, and there was always someone there to respond with encouragement or helpful tips.
3. The practical benefits of a strong support system.
Building my support system didn’t just give me emotional support – it also made life practically easier. Here’s how:
- Childcare: When my husband was away on deployment, I connected with another military spouse who lived nearby. We swapped kid-sessions, which gave both of us the chance to run errands or just have a little alone time.
- Advice on relocations: Moving to a new place is always challenging, but the families I met through local and online groups made it so much smoother. They gave me recommendations for schools, doctors, local cafes (you know I love my coffee!), and even tips on navigating DHA housing (which is crucial when you’re spending months in a hotel room, and don’t have a secured home base).
- Emotional support during deployments: Those long deployments are tough, and sometimes you just need someone to talk to who understands. Having friends in the defence community meant I always had someone to reach out to when I was feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or just lonely.
4. How to start building your own support system.
If you’re a defence spouse feeling a little lost or disconnected, I encourage you to start reaching out. Building your community can take time, but trust me – it’s worth every effort. Here are a few ways to start:
- Join local Defence family groups: Most bases and defence communities have local groups where spouses and families meet up. It’s a great way to find others who live near you and are in the same boat.
- Get involved in online communities: There are so many Facebook groups for defence spouses, both general and location-specific. These groups are full of tips, support, and friendship, especially when you can’t always connect in person.
- Attend Events Hosted by the Defence Member and Family Support team (DMFS): DMFS often hosts family events, workshops, and social meetups for military families. These are great opportunities to meet people and get plugged into your local community.
5. Why community makes all the difference.
Looking back, I honestly can’t imagine navigating military life without the support system I’ve built. My friends within the defence community have become my lifeline. They understand the unique challenges we face, and they’re always there to lend a hand or offer a kind word when I need it most.
We have a background where my husband was a Police Officer for 8 years – and there was no support network, or recognition for the families of those serving members.
Having a community doesn’t just help you – it helps your entire family. When you’re supported, your kids feel more settled, your relationship with your partner becomes stronger, and you can face the ups and downs of military life with more confidence and resilience.
So if you haven’t found your tribe yet, I encourage you to take that first step. Reach out, connect, and build your own support network. You don’t have to do this alone.
Building a support system has been one of the most impactful things I’ve done as a defence spouse. It’s given me emotional strength, practical help, and lifelong friendships. If you’re feeling isolated, remember: there’s a whole community out there waiting to welcome you. You’ve just got to take that first step.
And if you’re feeling sheepish? Come and connect with me on facebook or LinkedIn.
