Let’s start with: I see you. I hear you. I am you.
Military life can feel like it was designed for extroverts. There’s always a function, a new group of people, a sea of small talk, and the constant pressure to put yourself out there. And when you’re an introvert? That can be exhausting.
If the thought of “instant friendships” at new postings makes you cringe, if you feel drained after every social event, or if you struggle to find your space in this extrovert-heavy world – know this: you are not alone. And you don’t have to change who you are to make this life work.
1. Stop Feeling Guilty for Not Being “All In” on the Social Scene
There’s this unspoken expectation in Defence life that you should love every BBQ, partner event, and group chat. But let’s be real, not everyone thrives in those spaces.
You don’t owe anyone your social energy.
If big gatherings aren’t your thing, don’t force it. Give yourself permission to connect in ways that feel natural to you.
2. Quality Over Quantity – Find Your One or Two People
You don’t need a massive friend group to feel supported. Finding one or two solid friendships – people who genuinely get you – is far more valuable than stretching yourself thin trying to be everywhere, with everyone. Deep, meaningful connections matter more than forced socialising.
3. Choose the Social Spaces That Work for You
You don’t have to say yes to every event just because it’s expected. If casual coffee catch-ups feel better than big social events, focus on those. If online friendships are easier to maintain through moves, lean into them. Find your comfort zone and stick to it.
4. Set Boundaries Around Your Energy
You don’t have to be available 24/7 just because someone invited you out. It’s okay to say:
- “I’d love to, but I need a quiet night.”
- “That sounds fun, but I’m at capacity this week.”
- “Can we do something one-on-one instead?”
Protect your energy like you protect your sanity – because in this lifestyle, both matter.
5. Create a Routine That Grounds You
When everything else is unpredictable – moves, deployments, schedules – having small, personal routines helps create stability. A morning coffee ritual, solo walks, reading before bed… whatever helps you reset, prioritise it.
6. Find Ways to Be Part of the Community – On Your Own Terms
Being introverted doesn’t mean isolating yourself. You can build a sense of belonging without pushing yourself into uncomfortable social situations.
Join online groups, volunteer in ways that don’t require constant socialising, or attend events selectively – whatever makes you feel connected without draining you.
7. Accept That Not Everyone Will Get It
Some people won’t understand why you don’t want to be at every event. They might assume you’re unfriendly or uninterested. That’s not your problem to fix. The people who matter will respect your boundaries and appreciate you for who you are.
8. Give Yourself Permission to Opt Out Without Guilt
You don’t have to be the “social Defence spouse.”
You don’t have to attend every event.
You don’t have to explain why you need alone time.
The only thing you have to do is take care of yourself in a way that allows you to thrive – not just survive.
Being an Introverted Military Spouse Is Hard, But You Can Make It Work
You don’t have to be the loudest in the room or the most social person at the event to belong in this life. Your way of connecting, thriving, and existing is valid. Prioritise the friendships that feel right, protect your energy, and create a version of Defence life that actually works for you.
Because at the end of the day? You don’t need to be more extroverted. You just need to be you.