Motherhood is a journey that is often depicted as a joyful, fulfilling experience, but the reality is that it can also be lonely. Add in the ‘lifestyle’ that is commonly referred to as Defence Life, and it can sometimes become debilitating.
Mothers may feel isolated even when surrounded by people, including their partners, children, and friends. This loneliness can manifest in different ways and can be caused by various factors.
One of the reasons why defence life can be lonely is the physical and emotional demands that come with it. Taking care of children in itself can be an all-consuming task. Defence partners may find themselves spending long hours at home, often without adult interaction. They may also be sleep-deprived, which can affect their ability to socialize and connect with others.
Another factor that contributes to the loneliness is the loss of identity and the feeling of being disconnected from one’s former life. For many women, being a defence spouse/partner means giving up their careers, hobbies, and social life to focus on their children, relocations, and being available at all times for their homelife due to deployments or long periods away from the serving member.
This can be a difficult adjustment, and some women may feel that they have lost touch with who they were before they moved ino this new way of living. They may also feel that their friends and family members do not understand or support their new role within the defence space.
The pressure to be a “perfect” mother can also contribute to feelings of loneliness.
Social media and parenting blogs are full of images and stories of mothers who seem to have it all together, which can create unrealistic expectations and make other mothers feel inadequate.
Mothers may also feel judged or criticized by others, especially if they make different choices or have different parenting styles.
The lack of support from partners, family members, and society in general can also contribute to the loneliness of motherhood. Many women report feeling unsupported or unsupported by their partners, who may not understand the challenges of motherhood or may not be willing to share the workload. Family members and friends may also be unsupportive or may offer well-meaning but unhelpful advice. Society as a whole may not value or recognize the important work that defence partners do, which can make them feel invisible and unappreciated.
So what can we do to overcome the loneliness of defence parenthood?
One solution is to reach out and connect with other parents. Joining a local base support groups such as RSL LifeCare, RANCH or attending DFMS events can be a great way to meet other parents who are going through the same experiences. It can also be helpful to seek out online communities or social media groups where partners can connect with others who share their interests or challenges.
Partners can also prioritize self-care and take time for themselves. This can include activities such as exercise, hobbies, or spending time in nature. It is so important for parents and partners to remember that taking care of themselves is not selfish, but rather a necessary part of being able to manage the everyday demands.
Finally, we can try to reframe our perspective and focus on the positive aspects of military life. While it can be lonely and challenging, it can also be a deeply fulfilling and rewarding experience. By focusing on the joys of our ‘flexible’ lifestyle and finding ways to connect with others, we can overcome the loneliness and create a rich and meaningful life for ourselves and our families.
